I find it interesting the topic of this week’s Beautiful Like Me post is:
How our self-image effects the self-image of our children.
It wasn’t moments before that I had found this article, entitled Generation Diva: How Our Obsession With Beauty Is Changing Our Kids via Newsweek by Jessica Bennett. Here’s the part I want to talk particularly about:
There’s a scene in “Toddlers & Tiaras,” the TLC reality series, where 2-year-old Marleigh is perched in front of a mirror, smothering her face with blush and lipstick. She giggles as her mother attempts to hold the squealing toddler still, lathering her legs with self-tanner. “Marleigh loves to get tan,” her mom says, as the girl presses her face against the mirror.
Marleigh is one of many pageant girls on the show, egged on by obsessive mothers who train their tots to strut and swagger, flip their hair and pout their lips. I watch, mesmerized by the freakishness of it all, but wonder how different Marleigh is from average girls all across America. On a recent Sunday in Brooklyn, I stumble into a spa that brands itself for the 0 to 12 set, full of tweens getting facialed and glossed, hands and feet outstretched for manis and pedis. “The girls just love it,” says Daria Einhorn, the 21-year-old spa owner, who was inspired by watching her 5-year-old niece play with toy beauty kits.
Sounds extreme? Maybe. But this, my friends, is the new normal: a generation that primps and dyes and pulls and shapes, younger and with more vigor. Girls today are salon vets before they enter elementary school. Forget having mom trim your bangs, fourth graders are in the market for lush $50 haircuts; by the time they hit high school, $150 highlights are standard. Five-year-olds have spa days and pedicure parties. And instead of shaving their legs the old-fashioned way—with a 99-cent drugstore razor—teens get laser hair removal, the most common cosmetic procedure of that age group. If these trends continue, by the time your tween hits the Botox years, she’ll have spent thousands on the beauty treatments once reserved for the “Beverly Hills, 90210” set, not junior highs in Madison, Wis.
Oh my goodness! That made my heart sink a whole heck of a lot. *I* don’t even do half of what they mentioned here, and some kids are ‘expecting’ this, and it’s considered “the new normal”?
Anyone else see something wrong with this picture?
Firstly, “the new normal”? Did she really just say that? Now, with having girls, I’ve known a few of my oldest daughter’s friends to be this type, coming over here with designer handbags, nails painted with jewels and makeup caked on like they just filmed a commercial, or walked the red carpet in Hollywood, but even growing up way back when *cough* we had a few of those girls, too. A FEW. But no way had I ever expected this to be the “new normal”.
Did we or did we not play with Lee Press On Nails way back in the day? Did we delve into our mom’s makeup every so often? Sure. But it wasn’t expected, or daily. It was like dressing up. What has changed? Why are we raising them to be this way today, parents?
I had a few friends who did pageants when I was growing up, and the above situation wasn’t their focus. Makeup? If they weren’t competing, it was off. They hated it. They loved the pageant dresses when it came time, but otherwise,they were heavy, hot, and hard to move in. These girls were athletic, active, good in their community, and wholesome. Not divas. DIVAS! The word wasn’t ever used then! Now, it seems to be iconic, doesn’t it?
Let’s not forget Nickelodeon/Viacom/Mattel’s bold move to recreate a “new Dora” in the fall for ages 5 and up, to be a “cutting-edge fashion doll play”, instead of her original purpose, a learning, sharing, kind, bi-lingual role model for little girls.
Now I don’t think the picture here depicted is anything like Bratz, thankfully. I’m really hoping Nickelodeon/Viacom/Mattel will aim to do the right thing here, and keep the kids learning, sharing, etc. But hearing talk of the new Dora dolls, instead of being about learning Spanish and sharing, being about “changing Dora’s hair length, jewelry, and eye color on screen, the Dora doll magically changes as well.” Anyone who has a daughter addicted to Dora knows, if Dora did indeed “grow up” she wouldn’t give a crap about make-up, she’d be all about animal activism, saving our planet, and wouldn’t care if her eyes matched her handbag, no matter how wholesomely stylish you made her look.
Girls are naturally going to be interested in nail polish and their mother’s makeup. But putting a child in your makeup once, playing dress up is one thing. Putting a child in makeup and coercing them to begin to feel that they aren’t human unless they wear it, and need to watch what they eat, that they need spa days and such.. is just plain crazy talk!
What exactly is going on here? Why is society pushing for our little girls to grow up so fast, and become these little diva-esque, handbag toting, make-up wearing, supermodel-wannabe miniatures? When did we forget that children should be children, and be taught to be responsible and not so self-centered?
My girls get their nails painted every so often with natural, water-based nail-polish. I do their hair, but not in grown up manner (unless my oldest has a dance or something important). They get french braids, buns, and ponytails and stuff like that. My oldest, who is 13, has recently begun wearing makeup, but wears natural colors and nothing too overdone, to let her natural beauty come out. She is learning how to properly apply it and maintain it. My 8-year-old got a lip gloss making kit for Christmas, and that’s about as far as we’ve gone with her. Pretend makeup is one thing, but they don’t need to get into anything else, they’re KIDS for goodness sake!
My oldest has asked for hair color, and if I recall my childhood correctly, it was about this age I wanted to experiment too. And boy, did I ever. First it was a perm (remember those 80’s perms? haha). Then in the 7th grade or so it was called Sun-in, and I turned my hair ORANGE. (Woo hoo, go me!) Needless to say, lesson learned! {giggle}
For my daughter, though, after telling her my horror stories {giggle again}, I told her that if she indeed wanted to try these things, we would do the wash out kind- the not-so-permanent, washes-out-after-a-dozen-shampoos stuff (so she didn’t have to suffer the same orange fate as me). Compromise is the name of the game, here. We talked like responsible adults about it. It is, after all, what we parents are aiming for, right? To raise our children to be responsible adults?
For her age, being a teenager, it’s about discovering who you are and who you want to be. It is such an impressionable time. Some of the girls I see out there, with drastic color, cuts, piercings and even worse, I have to wonder what sort of responsibility they are being taught, to be allowed to do these drastic things at such a young age, being told it’s okay this young. They are still children, despite the ‘teen’ nickname, they still need our guidance, even more so because of influence.
Self-image is about being comfortable in one’s own skin. We’re supposed to feel that it doesn’t matter what we look like, that what’s important is what’s on the inside; that the inside of a person is what counts. We need to teach our children that, and teach by example. It has and will always be about being a good person, and doing the right thing 100% of the time. Words can only mean so much, it’s actions that count. How often do you communicate that to your children with actions as well as your words? Walk the walk, momma.
Even though the inside is what’s important, and that the outside isn’t what should be focused on to merit a person good or bad, the outside still matters, but not in the way depicted by Toddlers and Tiaras or by Bratz. You see, just as easily as you can influence your child by focusing too much on the outside, you can also influence your child by not focusing anything on the outside, too.
There are days I don’t feel so great about myself, but not because I’m too fat, or not thin enough, or this, or that. The kids know that it wouldn’t matter to me if I were big or teeny, that my goal in losing weight is to be healthy, not supermodel thin, or wear a bikini. The times in which I don’t feel so great are the times in which I’m in need of a shower, or when I’m wearing old clothes, bumming around, such as sweatpants, old t-shirts, and the like. For some, this is their normal daily wear. Is that your normal wardrobe? If it is, be careful, because it goes both ways – whether you pay too much attention to looking perfect, or don’t pay any attention to how you look – they both equally influence your children. How great do you feel about yourself when you’re not clean, or wearing old clothes?
I know I feel like a schlep when I’m not ‘dressed’. It’s why I try to dress in jeans and a nice shirt in the house daily. I’m not out to look like I’m going to a club or anything, absolutely not. I keep my hair brushed and neat. I’m usually not wearing much if any makeup. But I want to look nice. Presentable. Clean. Kept. Not just for me. Not just for the unexpected visitor, but to show my children that I care about myself to look nice for them. And by look nice, I mean, kept well, not made up, diva’ed to the max. Clean. Wholesome. Teeth and hair brushed all the time. That kind of ‘kept well’. How can someone be expected to instruct their children to brush their teeth and hair and such if they don’t show them they’re doing it too? Ya gotta walk the walk to talk the talk, mommas.
It isn’t easy waking up one day realizing the image you’re reflecting onto your children by not keeping care of yourself influences just as much as focusing too much on your weight, or makeup, or the ‘outside’.
Our bodies may not be the same from before having them, but we can’t love ourselves any less than we once did, because now we have little eyes watching and learning. Forget the outside influences like Dora and Bratz, even if they didn’t exist, our girls are still watching us for cues, and we have to be the role models they need. Walkin’ the walk, mommas.
My oldest daughter has actually had weight issues for quite some time, but over the years, through eating really healthy and keeping active, she grew into her weight and is now a normal BMI and weight. That didn’t happen from crazy dieting, she was just a child then. It happened through hard work, eating right, staying active. She fought a long battle and still will, because she battled it so young. But she is armed with the proper tools, now, just as she will witness me fight getting healthier the way it should be, through diet and exercise. I’m busy teaching her the right way, walkin’ the walk with her.
Now here comes the hard part – the aftermath of losing weight. With giving birth a few times *cough*, I’ve got stretch marks, which, after losing weight, means the dreaded sagging skin. Unless the doctor recommends I remove it, based on health reasons only, I probably won’t do anything about it, no matter how much it’ll bug me. And some of you out there reading will think I’m a crazy person for saying it (and sometimes, me too). But it is important for me to convey the right message to my children. That message? Plastic surgery is not the answer. (despite how much mommy is going to hate her saggy belly).
I can’t dictate to my children that plastic surgery isn’t the answer if I go and get it done, now can I? I don’t want my children to think that if something isn’t right on my body, that it means a trip to the doctors to fix it. Uh oh, my boobs are flat from years of breastfeeding.. gotta go to the doctors to have ’em lifted. No! I may not like the way they look, but unless they’re causing me a health issue, they will not be operated on. Period.
That’s for my children. We aren’t perfect cookie cutter Barbie dolls. We got this way by birthing them, and it’s okay if we don’t have perky breasts anymore. It doesn’t make us any less a capable mother. Consider it battle scars, if you will.
It is SO important, as our children are so impressionable, to convey the right message to them. If we whisk ourselves away to have this done, or this done, what message is that sending to our children?
I feel like I need to go shake some executives around a bit and wonder just what they’re up to, attempting to teach our kids that by the click of a mouse they can change appearances, as if what they have wasn’t perfect already. What is wrong with how they were born, whether it be a Dora doll or their baby bodies? Did we not think they were perfect human beings when we held them for the first time, and kissed their foreheads? We need to remind them they are perfect the way they are, and let them know that we are, too.
I bet if you asked your children what they thought of you, that’s one of the words they’d say. Perfect. Beautiful. Loving.
I suppose the influence goes both ways, huh? Let’s follow their lead, just as they’re trying to follow ours, and let’s live the way our children think of us. Living perfectly, beautifully, and lovingly – loving ourselves, and loving them just the way they are.
No strutting involved. Just walking the walk, mommas. Besides, what’s wrong with walking, anyway?
In addition to WickedStepMom, Amy at Five Flower Mom, and Tricia at Shout Daily, not to mention myself, check out who else has committed to this project:
- Lori at My Life Interrupted
- Lisa at Use Your Wisdom
- Cate at Nature’s Child
- Jen at The Story of Us
Why not join us and help project positive self-images for our children? I’d love to hear your thoughts, whether in the comments or in a blog post.
And while you’re here, visit my friend Debbie, who’s perfect post about self-consciousness really hit the nail on the head with me today. Ah, to live like a crayon 🙂 G’head, read it, you’ll see!
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