Hey there, baby-person. Mom needs to lay down the law, here. Let’s talk, shall we?
I’m not a huge fan of having to go out in public with you right now. You’re kind-of being a jerk and ruining Christmas. Yeah, I said it!
When I’m out shopping, navigating the God-forsaken bowels of local retail stores picking up last-minute holiday gift-type items, can you please cease and desist with the kicking in my crotchtal region? You know, the part of my anatomy you’re going to be exiting in a couple months, in a very traumatic type-of way? You know that place? Yeah. There.
You see, that part’s going to see enough abuse when the time comes, so let’s ix-nay on the icking-kay on the agina-vay, okie dokes? Because, not only is it painful when you kick me there, it embarrasses the hell out of me.
You see, when you kick me down there, I immediately grab my lower belly and squint my face like this:
And in squinting my face and grabbing at my belly, as round and voluptuous as it is, the folks around me immediately go into a panic. An Oh My God, that lady’s about to drop a freakin’ infant out of her vagina! I need to go run in the opposite direction type-of panic.
After a few times of having to go through that in a store, having to thwart the eyes of scared onlookers and aggravated store associates, pissed off about the mere idea of my making a mess delivering a child in their store while they pick up stray products left on the floor from fleeing terrified patrons, I’d rather spare myself that embarrassment and stay at home at not shop for anyone at all anymore.
And, while your dad is cute and a good kisser (yeah, I said it), if I were to leave the things on the list for him to do, we may never see him again. These stores might possibly swallow him whole, and he’s cute, and cuddly, and we’d miss him too much.
So kindly stop kicking the crud out of my hoo-ha, and mom can finish shopping, everyone will get Christmas, and it won’t be ruined because your soccer kicking abilities in the womb, okay? Okay.
Your poor, ailing mother
Never miss a thing! Subscribe today for all kinds of crazy parenting fun!