There are days when my fists are so tight, veins are protruding out of my arm, my teeth are clenched and my brow’s hanging furiously wrinkled over angry eyes. Days where I feel (and look) like a monster.
This is not the momma I want to be.
I want to be the fun-loving, easy-going, crafty, lets-color-all-day, lazy summer, ice-cream and cookie-eatin’ kind-of momma. But there are responsibilities that need to be addressed, and for whatever reason, this summer has been a long, difficult one, what with my husband working all day/weekend long and the kids being extraordinarily clingy to the indoors, unwilling to do anything but sit inside and argue all day, making mom lose her marbles and then-some.
These last few weeks, what with the baby being hurt, stressing about preparations for vacation followed directly by the BlogHer conference, new writing projects, deadlines, conference calls, and all.six.kids.home. for the summer have been more difficult to accomplish than would normally. The kids haven’t been making it exactly easy on me, either, knowing there is much to be done before we leave.
I feel like I’ve failed them, like I’ve failed myself for failing them. I’ve witnessed others go on these amazing summer adventures, beaches, trips, and we haven’t. My husband is working. I sometimes feel like I barely have time to breathe let alone play. I can’t drive hours away to some place cool to take them by myself with six kids (with nothing local), not with our youngest-two as young as they are, anyway. Unless I sprouted an extra set of arms and eyeballs overnight.
This wasn’t the summer I had intended. I only hope I can redeem it with our upcoming vacation. A vacation I’ve been putting a great deal of thought into, researching many options to make it excitingly memorable. (That is, if they let me sit and attempt to finish getting the plans in order without interruption or arguing. Sigh.)
Tonight, though, I just stepped away. Stepped away from responsibility, from the chains I felt were tying me to the keyboard and to commitment and to planning, and I laid on the floor, broken and in need of repair, and took turns lifting each toddler above my head playing airplane with my feet, to the roar of giggles and “Weeeee!” and copious amount of loose drool flung about.
It was just what this mother’s heart needed. Laughter, exercise, recklessly tickling and flying and ohsogiggling.
On the agenda for tomorrow, amidst another full day of planning? A part two to this picture. Outside. In the sun. In the fresh air.
Mommy needs play time, too.
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