Because I’ve been sick the past couple days, the housework has been passed over. A lot. Don’t look at me like that. A mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do, and when she’s sick, she’s “gotta do” NOTHING. NADA. ZIP. ZILCH. ZERO.
Unfortunately, this also means that no one else does anything, either. With mom too sick to notice, suddenly the children are secretly rejoicing in their rooms:
Yippee! Mom won’t notice I haven’t vacuumed up the filth I brought home with me today!
Yippee! Mom won’t notice I’m wearing the same clothes since Monday.
Yippee! I can whiz all over the toilet seat, and she won’t get up to admonish me for it!
Okay, maybe they weren’t up there doing exactly that, but man, while picking up tonight? It sure felt like it. Yikes!
I finally braved my Drooly-Nose-Syndrome™ (also known as Leaky Faucet Nasal Cavities™) by shoving wadded up tissues into my nostrils and picking up a broom. A broom that hadn’t seen movement, except when used as a weapon by my toddler, in almost three days. No bueno. Not only had it been a few days, but I was getting tired of traipsing through Mystery Substance #1 and #2, and the weird, gritty-feeling things between my toes you get when you don’t sweep everyday. It simply had to be done, leaky nose or not.
As I swept up this evening, though, it came to my attention that I might need to go over some etiquette lessons with my children as to their proper usage of the garbage can, as it seems, in my sickly absence, the floor seemed to be where they aimed. We’re talking, not even close to the garbage can.
- When you drink a Capri Sun, place empty wrapper into the garbage. For crying out loud, you don’t drink every drop of liquid in there, and when you inadvertently step on it, it squirts that remaining liquid out. Onto the floor. For Drooly-Nosed Moms™ to pick up. So, please, if you would, pick it up? *eyeing toddlers*
- When opening up a piece a cheese, immediately dispose of the wrapper where? Oh right, the shiny white and silver trash receptacle in the corner of the kitchen we like to refer to as “The Garbage Can.” By placing said wrapper in the can, we avoid Drooly-Nosed Moms™ from turning into Pissed Off Drooly-Nosed Moms Who Need Xanax™ from their feet constantly getting stuck to aforementioned wrappers left haphazardly on the floor. Heed my warnings, people. String cheese wrapper? GARBAGE! Sliced cheese wrapper? GARBAGE! Laughing Cow cheese wrapper? GARBAGE! Alrighty then.
- If you are preparing a sandwich, pouring cereal, grabbing an organic toaster pastry, peeling an orange, or something that you prepare that may or may not stray pieces, crumbs, leftovers all over the floor, can you PLEASE for the LOVE of BABY JESUS in the freakin’ MANGER, pick ’em up!? Do you know how much I hate crunching Cheerios under my feet? Or stepping onto an orange peel? Or squishing a dropped grape with my bare feet, or, even worse, in nice once-clean socks? Do you??
New Mommy Rules effective immediately:
13. When mommy’s feeling sick, please help pick up a little more than usual. And by “little more” I mean, actually doing something instead of nothing.
14. If you spill something, clean up after yourself!
15. The floor is not your trash can, use the garbage pail!!!! #nuffsaid
You may now resume your regularly scheduled broadcast….
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