Dear Salespeople. You’ve Been Warned.

by Lisa Douglas

I know this is your way to earn a living, but could you, just for a second, consider that the people on the other end of the new door on the new house you are knocking on are good people who don’t deserve to be lied to? Please don’t come to my door and lie, saying you’re hired by the city to test our water. Please don’t come to my door, as though the sky is falling, telling me we’ve killed our lawn, when anyone who knows anything knows sod has to take root, and isn’t the best looking in the beginning, just so that I’ll hire you to take care of it for me.

Be honest.
Be forthcoming.
Tell me the truth.
To me, the truth goes a long way to heightening my desire to WANT to pay you money, which is kind-of what you’re after to begin with, yes?

Please don’t come to my door selling magazines, reading from a card saying you want to go to college.
Please don’t knock at my door, knocking the alarm company I already have to get me to sign up with you when you offer the same thing.

And the phone calls, holy hell! The second our phone was installed, the calls began. How? How do they know? How on earth is there a listing of us being new homeowners along with our brand spankin’ new phone number that was minutes old?

Seriously thinking about getting a dog. A big, honkin’, snarly-toothed Dog of Doom™ to park at my porch to scare off any liars and deceivers. One that has a heightened sense of smell for bullshit. One who has a taste for scammy salespeople.

Just because we signed on the dotted line to buy this house, doesn’t mean we are made of money to throw away thousands to you. Please, treat me like a human being. Respect my privacy, MY HOME, my family, and just stop lying to people like me to earn a buck.

Consider this your warning. Next tactic, before the snarly dog, is a freakin’ TAZER. Don’t make me tazer your lying ass, mm’kay?

Ahem.

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