Guilt. And Crying.

I sat, tucked away at my desk, slurping away at my morning coffee, trying to infuse some much-needed healing warmth into me while checking emails. Glancing at the 8-o’-clock time, knowing my already-two-hours of awakeness went horribly wrong already, feeling so dragged out from being sick for over a week with no relief, no sleep, with yet another day of running around, another desperate doctor’s appointment in hopes of getting some help, I heard immediate, fierce crying from Baby Dude in the other room.

I rushed out to see he was holding his eye, with my toddler daughter apologizing profusely. I immediately snapped, figuring she threw her Wii remote at him, and immediately snapped her up and spanked her on her butt.

We both began crying, in shock. I, shaking, asked her to apologize, turned off the TV, and quickly left the room, collapsing back at my desk, immediately uncontrollably sobbing into my hands, crying until my breath left me and I sat there, mouth opened, in silence, chest aching, wailing in absolute silence.

I never hit her/them, perhaps a tap on the back of the hand. I felt God-awful having done it, and I just sat, in tears, listening to her upset, feeling lost and unable to cope.

This is the second week of school, and already, two days in a row, we’re at DEFCON eleventy-billion with rushing. And this week began soccer, too – with five of our six playing at four different soccer fields, three children playing on Tuesday/Thursdays at three different places. I collapse to sleep at night before 10pm, every night, exhausted from the running and the heat and the craziness this school year has brung.

And I can’t take it back, despite my tears and heart and heaving chest wanting so badly, to. I can only ask her for forgiveness, and help in being a better big sister and not hurting her brother anymore.

In the meantime, here I will sit, in tears, feeling totally defeated, unable to cope, wanting so desperately for the day to start-over, for the crazy to stop, even if for a second, so I can breathe a little, even if it is through a severely clogged up nose.

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