Bear with me, as I’m crying, and this post is more than likely going to be all over the place. But I gotta say it. I have to let it out – my sadness, my grief, my anger.
I just stood, silently sobbing while pouring coffee, opening an unopened milk when there was already one open, stirring the coffee when the Splenda hadn’t been put in it yet, tears falling from my eyes. I was obviously so moved I wasn’t doing anything the right way, and so my observant, beautiful husband came over to me, wanting to help me, but he couldn’t – he can’t. Tuesday is dead, and there isn’t anything we can do.
‘You know, blogging helps me and other women come together, who might not have had the chance to connect otherwise’, I started to explain to him, as if he had no idea what I’ve been doing for the past year or so (but again, I was a blubbering mess, and still am).
‘It gives women a voice all their own. Like that isn’t amazing enough by itself, coming at a time in their lives when we generally discover there isn’t much that is just ‘ours’ anymore, we’re then given the amazing opportunity to join mom groups and forums, review products like we’ve been doing for our family to try, and even further connect to more people, and PR reps, companies, etc., and possibly take my voice, my outlet and make so much out of it, to be able to create an income from it and make something out of it for myself.’
Talking about blogging helped, as I was all over the place, but rational it seemed at this point, so I felt almost good. Nevermind the fact that I was bumbling, this didn’t come out quite as eloquent as it’s reading, I can assure you.
My mind was going a mile a minute, thinking about how I was upset at him for being upset with our toddler for keeping him up last night. About how I’d poured too much coffee. About how I was unintentionally answering Mabel’s Label’s question about blogging for their contest, even though I hadn’t entered. About how I was putting into words how important blogging is to me, and why. I was completely all over the place, yet, so filled with knowledge, all of a sudden, and emotion. I also felt like I could continue to talk about it all without sobbing anymore.
Or so I thought.
‘But there are women that start a blog for an entirely different reason. It’s because they are going through something, and they desperately want and need to find others going through that same thing. They create their blog for support.’
And the tears started flowing again, and my throat was closing up on me.
‘I’ve met some amazing women on line. Amazing women. Some who created their blog for the same reasons I did, they are just like me, just trying to meet other moms. And then something unbelievably horrible happens…’
{cue the sobbing}
I couldn’t stop. The tears and sobs kept coming. And the smart man that he is, he knew. ‘Is it about that little girl?’
Oh the tears.
“Yes” I barely made out.
“I never, ever, thought I’d find what I’ve found blogging. Ever. My heart hurts, babe. She is only a few months older than…”
And he hugged me. With our two-year-old. And my heart exploded through my eyes, all over her cheeks, and his chest.
I think it was the part when she said how she was nursing her, and she was dying, that really hit me square in the jaw. Still nursing my two-year-old myself, and arguing with myself sometimes about whether we should continue, I simply couldn’t imagine myself in the position of nursing her knowing that, not only might it be the last time, it might be the last time holding her, too.
{cue more sobbing}
Why do children have to suffer? I can’t understand that. At all. Ever. I am so unbelievably angry, so hurt for this family and their pain right now.
Heather over at The Extraordinary Ordinary is doing something amazing for their family, by donating one dollar for each comment she receives to this post. Please go on over there and leave a comment.
I want to do something, not sure what. I just feel I have to. Offering my condolences in comments and writing about them here just doesn’t seem to be enough. If you have any ideas, please offer them in the comments (and if you want to get in on it with me, definitely let me know.)
Regardless of what I come up with, I’m gonna get off of here, wash my face and clean myself up, stop crying, and go spend time with my family today. My spilled tears aren’t going to help anyone any right now.
