I am trying to infuse as much warm, caffeine-rich coffee into me to awaken my near comatose body as much as possible.
Yesterday was a long day shopping, hanging out with the family, living life. It wasn’t without thoughts of Tuesday, though, and of death sprinkled in between moments of pure joy, soaking in every ounce of my family I could muster. All throughout our day, though, I kept wondering what the signs were telling me.
We passed FOUR accidents yesterday. Four. That’s four too many, and it made me incredibly scared; scared for those people involved, and scared for the implications by them – signs, if you will.
I keep thinking about my own mortality, my family’s mortality, what I would do if I’d have lost one of them, or what they would do if they lost me. It’s amazingly scary to think those thoughts, but in reality it could happen at any moment.
Even my night was long and restless. Ever snort and squeak that came out of my baby’s mouth, I held him a little closer, and nursed him a little longer, and was thankful for that moment. My two-year-old wasn’t too far from me either, and I’d pull her in and smell her hair and try not to cry at the happiness in those moments, holding them both against me in the dark, clutching to their little baby lives as though they could be snatched from me.
Even now, while I’m intermittently typing this, amidst burpy-filled wiggly-ness in my lap, I fight back tears and am thankful beyond words.
How do you pick yourself up and dust yourself off after something like this? Something that shakes you to the core?
I am doing my best. Today is the Superbowl. I must shower, get on my Steelers paraphernalia and cheer alongside my family and friends, filling our bellies with deep-fried goodies and indulgently-rich dips, as we laugh and celebrate new life – our friends are expecting their second son in a couple weeks. Perhaps after a shower I will get more into the game. Today is a big day. It’s a blessed another day for us, together, as well as the Superbowl (Go Steelers!)
And I will, smile, cheer and laugh, but I know I won’t forget. Ever.