It’s really late, and I can’t breathe. My eyes are teary, I’m emotional and so, what else does a blogger do at this late hour?
You may or may not have already known, but I’m sick. I have some sort of funk in my nose and such. I haven’t felt like much of anything, today (or the past few days, for that matter). Sitting around, clogged in the brain, this dampened murkiness around me, fogging up my ability to function. I barely got dinner on the table. I can’t think much less concoct my Menu Plan for today, I might have hubby do it instead.
I’m really out of whack, lately. Earlier this evening I sat at the computer (read: put it on my lap while I lay, snorting in attempts to breathe while trying to survive on the couch), because I have many blogs to catch up on, which was the original goal, you see, to cross off a couple more things off my list, catch up with some of you, my friends, and hit the sack early to try to fight this icky sickness with good, old fashioned rest.
But a funny thing happened.
I began tripping over blogs, stumbling from one link to the next. I’d visit here, and before I knew it, I was over here. And here. Just reading. I mean, that’s what this all is about, isn’t it? Blogging? Reading? Writing? (Usually commenting, too, I apologize in advance, all this reading was done with a five-month-old attached at the breast of one medicated, blurry-eyed momma.)
You know, sometimes, we get so caught up in the moment of something, we almost forget what it was we were doing in the first place.
As mothers, that happens all the time. We cook, answer the phone or the door, and suddenly the pasta is overdone. Or we left the laundry in too long to soak. Or the lawn is a soggy mess because we forgot to turn off the sprinkler, because we were enthralled doing something else.
As writers and bloggers, of course this happens from time-to-time, it’s how stories are made, sometimes. Letting words flow into each other, isn’t it? Happy accidents, I guess. I had every intention of coming into this post to talk about how much it stinks to be sick, as busy as life is right now (my oldest has three soccer games this week! T-H-R-E-E! And that’s one of the four children who play, mind you.)
But it is amazing to me how much we can lose oneself, lose what it is we’re really doing here, or lose oneself in the activities elsewhere, instead of focusing on what we really should be focusing on. Our lives. Our friends. Our words.
I became lost in a sea of blogs tonight, only to have found that I’m not lost at all. (I know I just lost you, pun intended, but stay with me here in my medicated-ness, I apologize, I promise I’ll make sense soon). But in becoming lost, it became apparent to me, like a gift unwrapped behind the screen, that some of what we do can cause us to lose ourselves and our way.
– Am I where I want to be?
– Am I who you want to be, doing what I want to be doing? Why or why not?
Tough questions, huh? Not what you expected of an ill post, huh? 😉
I know that we all haven’t physically met, and we don’t know the ins and outs of each other, yet (I hope that changes, though). I know there are things that go on that don’t get written on your blog, or for some of you, you write everything, which is great – more or less, less or more, the point is – sometimes we lose our way. Sometimes we go off on tangents, rerouting ourselves onto a path we hadn’t intended, and doing things we don’t really want to be doing, or we think we should be doing, when we’re forgetting to do the very thing we started off doing to begin with. And if you’re lost, it’s time to be found, or at least, discovered, if you will.
What is it that you want to be doing, first of all, that you aren’t already? Is it being the best mother in the world? Or maybe it’s being the best wife? Is it continuing your education to become what you always wanted to be?
Are you missing out on something? Are you afraid to try something new, or afraid to take the leap to get back into something you want to do again?
For me, I’ve been struggling to get back my time, my tidy, kept home, and my schedule. You know how one day you wake up and realize how fabulous everything seems to have worked out? You have a schedule, and it’s working, and you’re enjoying every waking moment? That’s generally me, believe it or not, happy for every breath, every inhalation of life, every toddler tickle-war, every teenager smooch and half hug because it ‘isn’t cool’, or boo-boo kiss. It’s days like today, when I’m sick, (and barely inhaling, let alone happy to be doing so) that it’s hard to appreciate that, of course, but it’s also been hard re-regulating everything in a new post, such as we are, and with a new baby, such as we’ve been blessed with (I’m sure you military wives can relate to my PCS woes, and all mothers can relate to the new baby and desperately trying to get back to a schedule woes).
I had felt a little lost for a bit, and even if it took me snifflingly, browsing some blogs tonight, when I realized that, even in my sickened state, I’m not lost. I’m right where I want to be, right where I should be. Maybe not sick on my couch in sinus-pain agony, but you know what I mean. But, to be honest, I wasn’t always where I wanted to be, or doing what I wanted to be doing. And you know what?
Sometimes you need a good swift kick to get you there, and back in action, back to the meat-and-potatoes of what you’re supposed to be doing. Are you there? Are you at the forefront of what you’re supposed to be doing? Or have you fallen off track and need a redirect?
Whether I am, or I’m not talking about you, consider maybe this being a swift kick, or the starts of one? Or perhaps a forewarning to keep you from diverting maybe? A little?
In the meantime, in honor of my stumbling about myself, tonight, and finding some new and some almost-forgotten reads, I’d love for you to share with me – who do you love to read? Who are your swift kicks in the ol’ hindside when you need it? I’d love to know. Have you read something lately that has just shaken you to your core, and woken you up? Do you have a ‘go-to’ person that speaks to you, like they know parts of you that you weren’t even aware of and can relate to?
I’ll share, too. My favorite reality checks (other than the self-written the Closet Door, which I might add, serves me quite well, thank you everyone for your kind thoughts on it in the past):
- Heather of The Extraordinary Ordinary. I first visited her by way of Steph, leaving a comment on her post, here, about how I felt about being a mother. Go read, you’ll see magic. And haven’t stopped since. Today, ironically enough, she’s extended her original project. (We are kind of in tune like that, her and I. That’s awesome, if you ask me). Go ahead, visit Heather over there, and answer her newest mother questions. You might just get hooked, too.
- Steph of Adventures in Babywearing. She’s on a semi-blogcation at the moment, but no matter, even as she posts her archives, there is honest and genuine earthy life in her posts. I connected to her right away.
- Seth of The Mother Letter and Amber of The Run a Muck, husband and wife. I caught wind of this project and of his beautiful gesture for his wife for Christmas, and immediately jumped at the idea. (By the way, he’s restarted the project for Mother’s Day. You really need to check it out, and read the beauty of the project firsthand, if you haven’t already.) Between his passion for this gift, to her and to all of us, and her reaction, along with their amazing personalities and love and hearts and just overall wonderfulness (I’m sick, I can make up words), who knew I’d make such a friend from it, or two. I can’t begin to tell you how special those two are to me.
I think I’ve rambled on enough in my sickliness, and stayed up entirely too late to be of any use to anyone later. Please comment with some fabulous blog recommendations. Or with some soup. And Vitamin C. Echinachea might be nice, too.
Thank you for reading, and for being you. And please, bear with me. Whatever this is has taken the wind right out of me, and I’m saving whatever energy I have to be able to function for my six sweet faces and huggable bodies who need me to.
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