Adventures with Child Proof Caps, and the Pharmacist is Out to Get Me

by Lisa Douglas

The Pharmacist-jerk is mocking me, I tell you. Child proof caps my ass! I know I’m all-kinds-of stuffed up and sick-like, but c’mon, I can’t twist the damn caps to save. my. life. (or, should I say, save my cough). What the hell did you do, superglue them shut? Oh, you did, didn’t you?

I just spilled cough medicine all over the floor, wrestling the bottle into a Full Nelson to get it open. Why? Why must you mock me, Mr. Pharmacist? Did I stop you with my eye daggers in the middle of your diatribe as you were about to explain there is some super-secret handshake to get the bottles open? Did I miss the memo where you enter a code, or push the circular shape at the bottom of the bottle for it to click-pop open?

Or am I just ridiculous exhausted, sick, and apparently too stupid to work child proof caps?

I say, you’re mocking me, dude.

I know you saw me there again, today. And I know your game, pal. I know you told your little Pharmacist-buddy to read me my labels today, too. Thank goodness there weren’t as many as yesterday (nor as many children), or I might’ve hopped over the counter and clubbed your ass like a baby seal. Or maybe I wouldn’t have, because you make those counters so high. Is that why those counters are so high? To prevent sleep-deprived, strep-infected moms-of-many from jumping through and terrorizing you Sybil-style?

Oh yeah, dude. I’m on to your games, now.

And little do you know, despite your super-squirrelly efforts to mess with my head and super glue my meds shut, I gotcha, pal. I. Got. You.

It’s called a blow-fricken-torch, baby. WHAT UP!

{high fives self}

(Wait, can you high five yourself? Or is it just a clap? Did I just clap for myself? That’s.. um.. weird.)

Hmm.. methinks I drank too much cough medicine by sucking it up from the floor with a straw. Whoops.

(What? The floor was clean. So was the straw.)

Too bad the straw didn’t have a measurement on it like the measuring cup. Double-whoops.

(Wait, where’d that unicorn come from? Oh my crap, the pharmacist sent you, didn’t he? To SPY on me!!

(Um, I think I need to go to bed.)

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