Dear Potty Training Toddler: What The Crap? (Literally)

Oh, sweet Baby Dude. We need to have a talk.

You are doing so marvelously well with going pee in the potty. You’re kind-of funny, because you are so obvious when it’s that time, because you grab your junk and go running, calling out to whomever’s around you to turn on the bathroom light. “Moooooooooooooom!”

But, pal, we need to talk about this poopie business.

You see, Dude, we can’t put you in underwear just yet, because you forget it isn’t a diaper and hose yourself quite often. As a result, we let you run around commando under your toddler shorts, and you remember to pee in the potty quite well. But, DUDE, you need to tell us when you feel that poopie-feeling comin’ on. When you don’t poop on the potty, with no underwear on, you’re like that stray dog that keeps layin’ cable in the yard, man, droppin’ dookies everywhere, and it’s WAY FRIGGIN’ WORSE because it goes down your leg, gets crammed in your crack, and then mom has to gag when she tries to wipe and wash you off. EVEN WORSE is when you step in it accidentally, and then are trailing it onto the porch, or into the house.

YUCK, MAN. No one likes a party pooper, dude.

I know this potty training business is tough. I also know that sometimes it’s accidental, because you feel like you have to fart, and it comes from out of nowhere. But yesterday’s event was NOT an accident, I caught you last night hiding, knowing all-too-well you were droppin’ a deuce in your shorts. That one was the worst one to date, mister man. No one wants to deal with an intentional crap. Foul on the play, dude. FOUL ON THE FREAKIN’ PLAY.

So please, if you wouldn’t mind, can you keep the poop in your butt? And come grab one of us older folks who can reach the bathroom light and who’ll wipe your ass and say, “Hey, you, I have to goooo! Can you take me? And lift me on my Cars toilet seat, so I can do my thang?”

I’ll even grab a coloring book for you to work on if you want. You can be like your dad with a book in your hand while you go. Books and dudes and toilets are cool. And, if you go poopie on the potty, I’ll give you a cookie. Okay? (Hey, that sounds like a good sequel to “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” to me. “If you give a toddler a cookie, he’ll go poopie on the potty for you…”)