Confession Time

by Lisa Douglas

On Tuesday the 15th, I swore to my husband I was going to have everyone packed and ready to go so we could leave bright and early Wednesday morning. Everyone’s piles were neatly stacked, laundry was being done and so ‘official packing’ would wait a bit longer. I snuck upstairs to play “dress-up” to decide what to bring with me. It was then that it happened.

My clothes. They wouldn’t fit.

I had purchased designer jeans off eBay to wear for Blogher last year. Mind you, they were a little snug when I wore ’em, I had secretly told myself that all these size 27 and 28 jeans would be my “goal jeans” – I’d work my ass off (literally) and slim down as much as I could, trimming fat left and right, and they’d magically fit, harps and violins would play, butterflies would flutter around my head, and all would be well in the world.

Except, I haven’t worn those jeans since, and now, they won’t even come close to buttoning.

I began running regularly after Blogher, fed up with not getting anywhere in my battle of the plateau I was experiencing. I thought for sure that running would trim me up. Only, I only noted a couple pound weight gain and not weight loss. Figuring it was just muscle gain which was beefing up myself and my numbers simultaneously, I soldiered on.

In November, I swore off the scale, vowed to keep running constantly, and see where one month without a scale would put me. And? I hadn’t lost a single pound. And I was okay with that, actually. Maybe, truthfully, a little disappointed, but I just figured I was getting somewhere, and that surely I’d see a change in the right direction soon. I continued to lay off the scale, until I dared set foot onto it in January, after the holidays and food and travel and crazy and oh! Hello, more weight I don’t want, how are you?

Sigh. Not good.

It hasn’t gotten any better since, either. January and the beginning of February were awful times for fitness with it being so cold,  kids being sick, and hubby being away. I finally had him home first week of February and immediately wanted to take off running, and just as I did, I, myself, finally got sick. For almost a week.

Fourth day into the plague (as I lovingly referred to it), I said “screw it” and took off, ran anyway, and ran myself back to health, not stopping. And I’ve continued ever since – running (or trying to run) every other day this past month (running everyday bothers my shins). It’s been glorious, I’ve felt wonderful, powerful, strong. Surely, I must be doing something right.

As you can imagine, I was horrified to see not only that I’d put more weight on when I weighed myself, but that none of my jeans fit me at all before Disney Social Media Moms. In fact, half my outfits I swore would be ‘just fine” ended up not looking good on me.

What the hell?

I thought I looked pretty good. I love wearing yoga pants and fitness capris with tank tops, I sincerely had no idea that I wasn’t fitting into my clothes anymore. I do measure, too. But for whatever reason, this just isn’t working. Something is wrong, I’m obviously doing something very, very wrong, here. All my hard work is being undone, and I’m feeling very defeated right now.

I busted out my Blogher ’09 clothes, back when I weighed in the high 140’s low 150’s (size 8). I was shocked, the pants that were way too baggy for Blogher ’10 suddenly fit like a glove, like they did when I purchased them the year prior. 

No, defeated isn’t even the word that can describe how I’m feeling.

I remarked to Pauline on Twitter how I loved her shirt, and how I want to go shopping with her and Danielle. But honestly? How can I? What size would I buy for – the size I am now (!!) or the size I thought I was, the size I want to be, no, the size I was trying to get out of to get down to my goal! Argh!

{Tears!}

In order to help me get back on some semblance of a track (some how, some way), I’ve created a weight loss accountability page. You can find the link in my sidebar regularly, with a recent picture of me and the scale with my now-weight. (By the way, that was my weight before the conference. Guaranteed with all the conference food, despite my many attempts to eat healthy, with lack-of-running and working-out time, that I weight more. Again.)

I don’t know how having this page will help me just yet, but just having it there gives you all (and me) an idea of where I’m at and what I’m doing. Maybe you can offer some encouragement, too, perhaps?? I could use all the help I can get.

In the meantime, does anyone have any ideas for me? Because honestly? I’m feeling particularly craptastic right now.

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