(Alternately titled “Teething and Today Can Suck It”)
(Alternately-alternately titled “Where Lisa Goes Batsh!t About A lot of Useless Crap”)
If you could see me right now, I’m giving today the finger.
If today were a person, it’d be a dude so I could kick them in the friggin gonads so hard, they’d be spitting out their junk.
I WANT TO HULK OUT AND SMASH THINGS SO HARD, UGHHH!
She won’t sleep.
She won’t stay on my breast.
She just wants to fuss, no matter what.
Holding her won’t work.
Burping her won’t work.
Rocking her won’t work.
Passing her off to other people won’t work.
I can’t get ANYTHING done!!!
The kids.. the door.. opencloseopencloseopenclose…
My oldest had to go to school for orientation to get her books. Took her hours last year. Today? 45 minutes. I wasn’t ready to have to go get her that soon.
Why do I need to go get her, you ask? BECAUSE SHE STILL DOESN’T HAVE A DING-DANG LICENSE BECAUSE THE STATE OF TEXAS SUCKS AND MAKES YOU JUMP THROUGH HOOPS FOR REQUIREMENTS AND WAIT FOREVER ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!
I had to wait a good half-hour to even TAKE her to school after I started the car.
Why, you ask?
Because we (and by we, I mean, my husband) didn’t put the sun-reflector on the dash, and in the 104-degree heat, I couldn’t even TOUCH the steering wheel.
So, there I was, putting a frozen cooler ice gel thingamabob on my steering wheel, smearing it all in, trying to cool it down and looking like the biggest a-hole, sweating and swearing at my car and the reflector thingie.
I mean, why don’t they put themselves up, anyway?
Don’t they know where the heck we live?
San Antonio-friggin-Texas, where it’s balls hot. Dude!
Hello? Get on it, inventors!
And I missed Kindergarten registration.
Apparently, I fail at calendars because today is Friday and the TENTH and NOT the NINTH and I missed it by a @#(*$&@#$ day. I ROCK!
I tore apart my desk looking for a letter I needed for the aforementioned registration.
This is what my bed looks like right now, because I can’t clean/throw away/organize it because she won’t let me put her down.
And then, as if the sky decided to screw with me more-so than today and my infant have already, it got dark. Crazy dark. And I checked the weather map and it looks like this:
So now I have all my kids inside, pissed off, because I pulled them inside for the impending monsoon about to drop on our freakin’ heads. Lovely.
I need a nap.
And a vacation.
No.. a good, stiff margarita with salt on the rim served to me by a man-servant named Hans who will fix my mess in the bedroom, flip the laundry beeping at me, and mop the floors I still haven’t done yet.
And then, after he’s done, give me a damn massage because my shoulders are so tight, I could probably break a board or two on ’em.
If he washes windows, that’d be magnificently awesome, too.
And maybe if he has a friend who babysits, that’d rock! Because then maybe his friend could get my infant to STOP BEING CRANKY because her MOMMA IS HULKING OUT IN A MAJOR WAY RIGHT NOW.
I almost (almost) feel better.